Because of technology, I barely remember how to write. Yes me, the former president of the handwriting club in 3rd grade. I can't even write cursive anymore, and I'm having trouble with the letter a, p, and e.

Could you imagine if one day, keyboard manufacturers all of a sudden decided to change the layout of the keys on a keyboard. I'd seriously be screwed. I imagine I would start sweating, start barking, and then my head would explode.

I think I want to go out with a girl who is a die hard Oasis fan. Not because I think Oasis is that great of a band, but I think people who like Oasis are some of the most loyal people in the world. How could they not be, considering how they proclaim them to be their favorite band yet the quality of their albums have been declining since their first?
Lately I have been making more of an effort to keep up with current events. I read the CNN website, watch ABC World News Tonight, and listen to NPR all day long. I was even reading the newspaper while eating my lunch today, when I came to two conclusions:

1) The saying, "Ignorance is bliss", is dramatically understated.
2) Human beings are just plain stupid.

I happened to be reading the commentary page, and there was some things that made my head explode. For instance, a woman in Fullerton who equated people who are atheists to the Taliban, and implied that all atheists were intolerant of religion. What she failed to mention was that we also eat babies and throw dull knifes at elderly people.

One of my pet peeves is when people use the term "liberal" or "conservative" in a derogatory way. Like when they say, "What can we expect from liberals" or "He is conservative, so how can we expect for him to know the facts?" In fact, once those terms are used in such a manner, I automatically assume that the article is not objective.

Journalism should first and foremost be about reporting facts, and then perhaps providing different points of view for the interpretations of those facts. How am I supposed to believe any article which spends more time attacking the opposition rather than supporting their own arguments?

In other news, I'm starting to have a love-hate relationship with Chuck Klosterman. Sometimes I think he's being witty, and other times I think he's being overly pretentious. I have a feeling I wouldn't get along with the guy if I ever met him a person, because there's a kind of arrogance to him that I don't like. He reminds me of this guy named John, who was in the first Calculus class I took at a junior college, and threaten to pee in my pool when I refused to let him in my house. Plus I don't trust anyone who wears thick-rimmed glasses, including myself.
I thought I may have caught my brother's girlfriend's cold yesterday, but today I feel better. I took some Nyquil and allergy medicine before I went to bed. I slept like a baby, only a baby that forgot to set his alarm in the morning. I am going to make an effort to sleep for at least 8.5 hours a day from now on.

Rest in Peace, Syd Barrett. He's one of the more fascinating figures of music, kind of like Jeff Beck only with more insanity and less cars.

Nothing to do at work. )

Bored at Work

Jun. 2nd, 2006 01:06 pm
Stolen from [livejournal.com profile] katryna7

1) Favourite movie of the 1980s?
Coming to America, with honorable mentions to The Karate Kid, Back to the Future, and Raiders of the Lost Ark (especially that one part where that guy was all showing off his sword skills and then Indiana Jones just shoots him with a gun).

2) Favourite musician/group of the 1980s?
Depeche Mode. But they are still doing good, so it would be an insult to limit them to just the music they put out in the 80s.

3) Favourite TV show of the 1980s?
The Simpsons. So good it's still on!

4) Favourite invention of the 1980s?
The vending machine flap that keeps you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before that it was hard times for the vending machine owners. What candy bar are you getting? That one, and every one on the bottom row!

5) World Event from the 1980s that stands out in your mind?
That one year the Dodgers won the World Series, and Kirk Gibson was limping around the bases after hitting the game winning home run. I'm not even a Dodgers fan, but I remember that quite vividly.

Work Update!

May. 25th, 2006 08:33 am
This is the first time I've updated from work in years. Probably not since when I was temping for my old company down in San Diego. Ever since then I've always had too much work, or was unemployed.

If last.fm were a girl, I would ask her to marry me. I don't think I will even need to bring any of my CDs to work.

So yeah, Katharine McPhee lost to Taylor Hicks. Not quite a shocker, and I'm only slightly disappointed. I wish they would have told us how close it was, or if it were a landslide victory. There were too many guest stars on the finale last night. Clay Aiken looks funny with long dark hair, and Toni Braxton cannot sing.

I had to retire my Interpol t-shirt because there's a huge hole in the armpit. I've been wearing band t-shirts for years, and I don't know what I would wear otherwise. But I'm thinking a change is in order. Can someone with good fashion sense let me know what kind of shirts I should be wearing?
This will be the last public post of this journal. From now on, everything will be friends-only. I'm a little late on jumping on the bandwagon (about 3 years late), but I figure that lately I've been a bit personal about my entries and I don't want the whole world to read about it, which is a bit ironic because that's the whole point of writing these entries. If you wanted to write entries you didn't want anyone to read, you could just write in a journal offline. I made the mistake years ago thinking no one read any of my crap, but people do.

But I don't think much will change, because I assume no one outside of my friends list reads my entries. Though I shouldn't really assume anything. For all I know there's some random guy who doesn't have livejournal but somehow stumbled onto my site and started being obsessed with the mundanity of my life. I doubt it though, but there are some sick people out there.

No offense to the people on my list right now, but I generally add whoever adds me first. I see it as a sign of acceptance in my delusional sort of way. That the person who added you has found you appealing in some way, and people finding me appealing makes me find them appealing. I hope I don't sound arrogant when I say that, but that means that these people are not superficial, because I don't have much going for me on the surface.

Conversely, I take offense to people who take me off their list because it means that they gave me a shot and I wasn't good enough for them. Fuck them though, they're probably pretentious anyway, and as we all know, pretension is one of my many pet peeves (even though it has only happened twice, but they are people that people on my friends list would know).

But it is their right. I mean, if I were a stranger to myself, I wouldn't want to add me either because my entries tend to be longer than most people's entries, and who wants to go online to read about someone else's life, especially if that particular life isn't that interesting? It may be different if I was some kind of cult figure, like an indie rock star of "Ben Gibbard status" or just someone who knows a bunch of famous people. But no, I'm just an ordinary guy who likes to stay home a lot, and not a lot happens at home either.

This entry, according to livejournal, is officially my 501st entry. But anyone who has known me long enough knows that ever since I've had livejournal, I must have written at least 2,000, if not more than that. This is considering I had 4 livejournals before this one, and I have a habit of deleting entries after I post them. That number is probably closer to 3,000. Roughly about 2,500 were depressing entries about how much I hated my life. The rest of them were about how much I hate something (usually music).

I like how I made myself sound appealing to read in this entry.

In other news, the entire day today I had Of Montreal's Old Familiar Way stuck in my head, but it kept mixing into The Beatles - Maxwell's Silver Hammer. I think it's because they sound kind of similar.
Am I the only one in the entire world that is tired of Such Great Heights? Yeah, that song was good 2 years ago, but they use it in every other television commercial now. To the marketing geniuses behind it: STOP IT. If you're going to do that, at least have the decency to hire someone who actually listens to music from a different year other than 2003. I can make you a mix CD if you want, and all you would have to do is pay me $5,000 for each song you decide to use for your next car commercial (actually this is not fair, since the songs do not belong to me, they belong to the artist record label.)

You want to know why no one cares about buying Cadillac cars anymore (besides the Escalade)? It's because you guys keep playing the same Led Zeppelin song over and over again. Yes, we get it, people who would be interested in Cadillacs now listened to Led Zeppelin in the early 70s. So the hell what? You think they've actually popped in Led Zeppelin I-IV + Houses of the Holy + Physical Graffiti on a regular basis in the last 30 years? I doubt it. By now these old guys (and girls, but mostly guys) stopped listening to metal and started listening to talk radio.

This would be the equivalent of my generation turning 50, and then hearing Cadillac use Smells Like Teen Spirit to sell me their new sports car. Because when I think of Nirvana, I think of driving really fast around curvy roads along the mountainside which also happen to border the ocean. After all, that is what you think about when you think about Led Zeppelin. Although I do not object to the use of Oasis' Stay Young to sell a car. Because the title itself is the selling point. Now that I think about it, Cadillac should have used Oasis' Stay Young instead of Rock And Roll. Listening to it makes me want to buy a car right now.

Or better yet, Jaguar should be using an Oasis song. You know, the one song where they say they want to buy a Jaguar. It was a b-side. I think it was Going Nowhere. Then they can have another car company use a Blur song, except for Song 2. Then it can be the battle of the has-beens.

Hey, now that I think about it, I think television commercials have used more Blur songs than Oasis songs. First, they used Song 2 to promote the Intel Pentium chip all those years ago. Then they also used There's No Other Way to promote beer. I think it was Miller. Then they used Crazy Beat for that one Levi's commercial. This isn't counting the overplayed Feel Good Inc. by Gorillaz. I can't even think of a commercial that uses an Oasis song, although they use their songs sometimes for movie trailers (like North Country).

In conclusion, a major advertising agency should hire me right now and pay me a six figure income to figure out songs to use in commercials. I promise I won't be blatantly obvious, like using The Cure's Pictures of You for a commercial about Hewitt Packard photo printers. Anyone could have thought of that! Here's an example of my brilliant work: Using The Rakes - 22 Grand Job for a job search company like monster.com or careerbuilder. Who wouldn't have a laugh at that?

Hard-Fi

Oct. 17th, 2005 09:56 pm
Finally after a few weeks my Hard-Fi album came in the mail today. The album is really good, and I expect it to be to be one of my favorite albums this year, even though there has been so many great albums released this year. A cross between Kasabian and The Cooper Temple Clause? Actually that's not a good representation. But I highly recommend them.

I also ordered Mark Gardener's new album, These Beautiful Ghosts, online yesterday because I'm not sure whether or not I would find them in stores. Although I used to love going to record stores, I'm thinking it's safer for me to buy CDs online now because a) It's convenient and b) I probably won't end up buying 10 or CDs just because they are used and a good price. So even though each CD is more expensive with shipping and handling, essentially I'm saving money right?

Sometimes when I'm doing something, I'll attempt to put my life in chronological order, and then analyze whether or not what I'm doing at that point is strange in my "life timeline." For instance, is it strange for me to have lost my virginity before I started sleeping in a twin size bed at my parents' house in Cerritos? Why am I still getting my haircut from my mom now, after living in San Diego without my parents for years?

Then I thought to myself, I haven't really grown up since I moved out of my parents' house all those years ago. I've essentially became a teenager again, only without the angst and mood swings. Unless adults aren't that much different from kids, which seems to be true, most of the time.
Although it has only been a week, I feel like I've been away from LiveJournal for a long time. It was like giving myself a vacation in a way, since LiveJournal a week ago seemed incredibly boring. One of these days I will take a real vacation by myself, and I emphasize myself because I feel like in order for something to feel like a vacation, I should be able to do whatever I want without having to consider what anyone else wants.

Instead, I've been living in reality instead of cyberspace. Now that's something I haven't said since junior high. Reality isn't really all that interesting though, but it's not as bad as I thought it was. I finished reading the book I was reading, spent one night with my co-workers eating pizza, and another night at my brother's place. His girlfriend bought two turkeys at the store because they were on sale, so I spent the night eating a lot of turkey.

In any case, the whole office dynamic at work has changed dramatically these past few days. There seems to be a lot of cliques, and at first I pretty much kept to myself and did my own thing. All of a sudden one of the cliques recruited me, and I have lunch with them everyday now. They seem to be the "cool/young" clique, since they have been inviting me to go clubbing and drinking with them. But therein lies the problem of being social, which is that the more social you become, the more money you have to spend.

They wanted me to go clubbing tonight with them, and I was like, "Are you guys serious? We have to be at work tomorrow! I go to bed at 10!" so I was dubbed the "square" of the group.

In any case, lunch used to consist of meals under $6, usually at some fast food restaurant or the nearby food court. Hell, some people think that $6 for lunch is already excessive as is. Ever since I've started going out to lunch with them, it's averaging around $10 a meal because they always want to go to a sit-down restaurant or they know of a great place that has the best Thai food. Tomorrow will be just as expensive, since they have their heart set on some Cuban restaurant. Monday will probably be the all you can eat Indian buffet.

So that's around $200 a month on lunch alone. Mathematically speaking, I would be saving around $80 a month from not having people to have lunch with. But I know it's a bit anti-social of me to be thinking of it like that, so I guess I should learn to bite the bullet. But to go clubbing on top of lunch would be just insanity. I'm not sure how these people can afford to live like they do, but I'm my guess is they have less bills than me or they make way more than I do.

But I am reminded of the bittersweet nature of human relationships. Most of the time I focus too much on the negative aspects. I think low esteem and pessimism, or perhaps specifically my low self-esteem and pessimism, is ironic in the sense that it is inherently self-absorbed, but sometimes can be insulting to others.

For instance, if someone paid me a compliment on something they thought I was good at (or perhaps better than them at), I would say that it was no big deal and that I sucked. This is just a mechanism that I have growing up with low self-esteem. It's not like I'm purposely being a jerk, but if you think about it from the other person's point of view, they think that you are "better" than them at something, and yet you say you suck at it. They might now be thinking they suck even more.

Well, I have to go to work tomorrow and I go to bed at 10.

Motown Remixed

Oct. 5th, 2005 10:28 pm
Reading Chuck Klosterman has made me regret not pursuing journalism. In retrospect, I think I should became a music critic for a respectable music magazine, so I could have people like myself talk about how music critics for respectable music magazines don't know shit about music. But I think being a music critic would be a cool job, as long as I had enough money for food and shelter. On the side I would write books, essentially short essays like Klosterman, which end up just being rants about who is responsible for society's misery and defending his own taste of things that may be considered "uncool."

Unfortunately, I don't have enough confidence in myself to be a writer. Probably because all my English teachers have said that my writing sucks, so I believed them. That, and my life isn't as interesting as say, Klosterman or David Sedaris, who both seem to have endless humorous anecdotes. Well, at least nothing I would care to share with the entire world. Sometimes I suspect if they're making things up, or perhaps using a vague past experience in their lives as a template, and then filling out the creative details later. I do that sometimes, but not as often as I used to.

On that note, I just want to note that you don't need to be a writer to state your opinion on things. For instance, I was listening to NPR this morning and I was listening to some music critic from Washington talk about the new Motown remix compilation that has been released, and I was thinking to myself, fair enough, people are allowed to remix old songs, and it has been relatively successful. Take the Verve Remixed for example, an album I almost bought because I thought it was the Verve songs remixed, until I realized they meant Verve, the jazz label. Not that I don't like jazz, quite the contrary, but buying a jazz album at this point in my life would be like having the jazz album be the wallflower at my record collection party. Though I guess if the jazz album wanted to, he could chit-chat with my Nick Drake albums.

In any case, I came home and downloaded one of the remixes, namely the Z-trip remix of the Jackson Five's I Want You Back. It started off okay, but then after awhile it just started sound one of those really cheesy remixes you think of people doing at home when they first learn how to DJ. It's not as bad as say, my brother's remix of the Luniz, which some of my friends were privy to hearing when I drove my brother's car (Ain't nothing but a G thang!). But it's nothing impressive.

For the record, all my life I've always had a bias against remixes and cover songs. I think part of it has to do with the fact that I don't see these people as making a "tribute" but rather being lazy and uncreative. Anyone, and I mean anyone, can pick a random song that exists and remix or cover it. This is why I have very little respect for Me First and the Gimme Gimmes (and people who say that Me First and the Gimme Gimmes is one of their favorite bands). While we're on the subject, Limp Bizkit really needs to disband. The year 2000 called, and they said that nu-metal has been dead for half a decade.

My one goal in life now is to never hear Limp Bizkit's cover of Bittersweet Symphony.

Ok, this cover is okay, but Ian Brown didn't get famous for doing cover songs.
I was reminded today of why I don't go out much. Human beings make me physically nauseous, at least some of them. Maybe I should be seeing a therapist about this, but in my opinion it is the rest of the world that needs help, not me.

This is especially true of couples. Not to sound redundant, but even more especially of couples who seem happy. If I could make a law, I would make a law stating that couples have to pretend to be as miserable as the rest of us in public.

Though I guess I shouldn't be so grumpy. After all, I did have a relatively good experience when I went to Barnes and Noble to buy Chuck Klosterman's Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, as recommended by book connoisseur [livejournal.com profile] katryna7. I looked for it for nearly half an hour before I gave up and asked one of the employees working there. When I asked her, she gave me a wink and told me that it was one of her favorite books. Then she asked me how old I was, and I was like, "What, do I have to be a certain age to read this book?" and she replied "No no, it's just that a lot of the references are from the 80s, and if you don't understand them the book might not be as funny."

I should have been like, "Yeah, by the way, did you want to go out sometime?" but instead I was more like, "Oh, I did like Saved By the Bell" and she was like, "Yeah..." Good thing I didn't embarass myself even further by saying something like, "Hey, remember that episode when Jesse took those caffeine pills and was so excited and scared?" or "Remember that time Zack and Slater got into a fight over some girl, and then they only made up because they accidentally knocked off Mr. Belding's toupee?"

The book itself looks very promising, since on the back of the book it mentions how Chuck Klosterman is in the same league as Nick Hornby and Douglas Coupland. I've made it a habit to read the backs of book ever since my languid years in high school English class. Those book were really pretentious and boring, so one couldn't help but read the back of the book and bullshit everything else. Although there were a few instances where my bullshitting didn't cut it, which is why English has always been the subject I've always had trouble with.

In any case, I guess life is meant to be bittersweet.

HYSTERIA.

Sep. 27th, 2005 10:26 pm
YES.

For all you DIE HARD Muse fans, I don't mean those of you who just started liking Muse after ABSOLUTION, I have news for you! Actually, I guess it's news for everyone. They are using HYSTERIA as one of the theme songs for the new NFL season! Because when I think Muse, I think of FOOTBALL. Players, watch out for SUNBURN, BITCHES. Their defense CITIZEN ERASED your red zone opportunity! I don't have the ability to control my CAPS LOCK.

Oh man, I am so addicted to listening to this T. Rex song. Marc Bolan is HOT. I would hang his poster on my wall, but I live with my mom temporarily and I think it would be a bit GAY of me.

Lately I've been listening to old alternative rock songs of the 90s. It makes me feel cool for being nostalgic and if you think about it, all the songs you thought were crap back then are actually pretty good now compared to the crap bands put out today. Back in those days the term "emo" was unknown to most people. Now everyone cries in all their songs about how their girlfriend broke up with them or how hard their life is because they can't survive in suburbia.
For the last few nights, I've had dreams that involve cutting people's heads off with swords. The first one was a few nights ago when I cut off the head of my former TA for my college music class, and I went on a rampage and started cutting off other people's heads. Last night I had a dream where my mom recommended that I see a movie about a mythological figure who was involved in every single major historic incident known to man, and the first scene had this figure riding a horse, cutting off the heads of the entire Confederate Army in the Civil War.

Also had a quasi-sexual dream about someone I have on my friends list, but I won't say who. Before you jump to conclusions, let me just say it was actually a guy, not a girl. I guess it wasn't so much sexual as much as it was just being in the same bed with him and having his arm around me, and I felt comfortable.

It's that time again. I need some new book recommendations. I like books where the characters are relatable and there is some subtle humor. I really like Nick Hornby and David Sedaris, if that helps any.

15 Pounds

Sep. 22nd, 2005 08:39 pm
I guess LiveJournal finally decided to have an option to put your school down on the userinfo page. Not that I have much school spirit, but I put them down anyway.

I want to lose 15 pounds in 3 months. I think this is reasonable, since it is only 1.25 pounds a week. I have lost 15 pounds in two weeks before, but not exactly in a healthy way. My standards for image improvement has dramatically decreased over the years. Now I just want to get rid of the double chin that I have when I put my chin against the top of my chest.

My only obstacle is that I think I have an addiction to fast food, more specifically, In N Out burgers and Philly cheesesteaks from this one place in Tustin. I almost went to grab a burger today but I ended up at Jamba Juice instead. But I think I've gained a bit of weight since moving back in with my mom, most likely due to the fact that she cooks me dinner every night and there's food in the house, unlike when I lived with my roommate when we just had condiments in the fridge.

I'm surprised I'm not a fat ass with what I've been eating, since I eat fattening foods and I eat a lot. I'm not skinny, but I'm not exactly fat either. I eat more than my brother, and he's 280 pounds and only an inch taller than I am. I'm assuming that my metabolism will eventually catch up with me and I will turn into a big fat slob. Then where would my already low self-esteem be then?



The night sky, taken from the backyard.

Oh yeah, and I stole that icon.
My brother actually gave me a compliment, sort of. He was asking me why I was dressing all "GQ" on the way to a funeral. I took it as a compliment.

Although I didn't really think I was GQ. I wasn't even planning on wearing my suit jacket because my nice suit is in the cleaners right now. I wasn't going to wear that one anyway since it is charcoal gray and I needed a black suit jacket. I remembered I had a suit jacket from when I wore one for mock trial at UCSD, so I wore that. I don't really like double breasted suits though, I think they are lame, especially for anyone under the age of 50.

Picture heavy post. Dial up users beware. )
Alright, so I won't be going to see the Autumns tomorrow. I guess it makes sense that I shouldn't be having fun the night before my grandma's funeral. I don't know. I was psyched to go, but my mom had other plans. I keep forgetting that I live with her since she's rarely home.

Last night I found out from my mom that they only have 6 months to reinvest the money they make from the condo to avoid being taxed. So she asked me where I wanted to live, and it turns out she had absolutely no intention of letting my brother live with me, or whatever the property they are going to get. Right now I'm not sure, but there are a lot of nice places in Orange County. I wouldn't mind living in L.A., as long as it's a nicer area, but I don't know if I would be able to find as many jobs relating to banking or finance there.

Right now I'm leaning towards Huntington Beach, Irvine, or Laguna Woods/Hills/Niguel. But I also have to consider where I would find a roommate, since I would rather have someone I sort of know live with me rather than some complete stranger. Unfortunately I don't know that many people in Orange County that need a place to stay, nor can I think of anyone in L.A. I'd feel close enough to move in with, except for [livejournal.com profile] alanshmalan but I think he's not willing to give up his 10 minute commute, which is as good as it gets when it comes to living in Southern California.

But I don't know. I guess I have to really start looking for real jobs that pay at least $40K, because this $30K thing is not working out. I know I should be grateful to be getting paid that much compared to some people, but I just feel like a $40K a year job would make me feel more comfortable.

Happy belated birthday to [livejournal.com profile] klew64!

Stolen Survey From Jen )

Depeche Mode?

Sep. 13th, 2005 09:06 pm
I am glad that The Raveonettes are opening for Depeche Mode instead of The Bravery. Not that I'm a huge fan of the Raveonettes, but I imagine them being much more interesting in concert.

But I do plan on seeing Depeche Mode in November, and it'll be my first big concert since Radiohead. I don't really go out anymore, and the shows I did go to were at small venues. I have yet to go to a show since I've moved up to LA, but I will be seeing The Autumns this Friday. So I will be making one of my rare public appearances that night, even though my grandma's funeral is the next morning. Needless to say, no partying will occur for me, and by partying I mean watching other people drink while I stand quietly in the corner.

I remember a time when I used to love going to shows, but I feel like it takes too much energy to go nowadays. I also get really impatient when the band needs time to set up, not to mention the crowds that make me uncomfortable. The last few shows I left early, before the headliner even stopped playing. I figure that was a sign that maybe I should stop going to shows, but I think I should be going out more anyway. Besides, I'd rather go to a show than a club, since I can't dance or drink. Ideally I could just sit somewhere and smoke hookah while they played good music.

I received an e-mail from Andre, an old "friend" of mine from San Diego. He's currently living with an Italian family in Italy, and he tells me things are very exciting there. A lot of people I know seem to have much more interesting lives than me, like my old roommate who started going to law school in Chicago and went to Morocco for a few weeks and spent the summer in New York working at a magazine. Then there's Jeff, who up and joined the army out of nowhere, but ironically with his sleep schedule when he lived with me, he would be getting more sleep in the army.

Although I am an incredibly boring person, I seem to attract interesting people, or at least people with interesting lives. But these people aren't particularly that much smarter than I am, or so I think. I used to think I was smart, but as years went on my "intelligence mortality" seemed more apparent. I'm not sure if it's because of that cliche paradox, "the more you learn, the less you know." Somewhere along the line I went from the guy who cried when he got a B+ to just being completely average. The shift was so gradual that I didn't even notice it. I would gladly take a B+ now.

The only analogy I can think of is intelligence being a gun and the bullets being ambition. What good is having a gun when you don't have any bullets, and what good are bullets when you don't have a gun? I think I have enough intelligence to get by in this life, but I don't have any ambition. But ambition isn't like bullets in that you can't go to a store to buy some, and I think the lack of ambition really drags people down, not just myself specifically. I believe that human beings need a purpose in life, and life without purpose feels pointless.

In lighter news, I changed my ringtone on my phone to be Ride's How Does It Feel to Feel and my secret guilty pleasure is watching Tommy Lee Goes to College. That show is hilarious, and makes me want to go to college again Nebraska University.

When you work in a place that doesn't really allow music, you start getting songs stuck in your head. Today's top 3 songs:

1. Joy Division - Warsaw
2. Backstreet Boys - Larger Than Life
3. Gorillaz - Dirty Harry
Thanks to everyone for their kind comments on the last post. I'm sorry if I seem impersonal by just replying "Thanks" or "Thank you", but right now it's hard for me to find the words for a lot of things. I should be okay.

First off, happy birthday to [livejournal.com profile] alanshmalan. I am glad to hear that being a high school math teacher is as much fun this year as you've always hoped.

My mom woke me up this morning and insisted that I go to work, and at first I was like, what the fuck? She seemed serious about it. I figure I shouldn't make a big deal of it, since she is grieving more than me.

On the way to work though, I decided I didn't feel like going. So I called in, and said that my grandma had passed away, and drove down to San Diego instead. Just sort of a spur of the moment mini-vacation. It feels weird being down there now, but in a good way. Everything down in San Diego seems so clean now, and the skies are actually blue instead of a faded hazy blue like in L.A. San Diego is the only city I have lived in with blue skies that are actually blue.

I went to my old office building and said hello to everyone, and then just decided to go to the beach and relax, which may not have been a great idea since I was wearing a dress shirt and slacks. But it didn't really matter, since I knew I would rather be there than work. I stayed pretty late, and ended up driving back home around 7:30 or so.

But I should be going to the beach more often, I figure. Ideally it would be a beach that wasn't too crowded, but most beaches are. Good thing I went on a Wednesday morning when everyone is at work. I suppose this is why some people have that "deserted island" fantasy where they would just be able to relax on their own island. This is something I wouldn't mind as long as there were electricity and a fast internet connection. I wouldn't mind finding my own food on the island either. Depending on the company, maybe I wouldn't even need an internet connection.

You know what they say though. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Only the first day will be tomorrow for me.

R.I.P.

Sep. 6th, 2005 08:57 pm
I got the dreaded phone call today. My mom said my grandma had passed away, and I thought I was prepared for it but I guess you can't really prepare for these things.

I saw her body lifeless and I just started to cry. I just kept crying and crying, and cried even harder when my mom started crying. I had never seen a dead person before, so the whole thing felt so surreal. I thought of all the times I had with my grandma, and then I closed my eyes to pretend that she was still alive. Then I opened my eyes and there she was, with her eyes closed and her mouth opened. I grabbed her hand and whispered "Bye Grandma" in cantonese, and then stared at her until my mom said I could leave if I wanted to.

I walked out of the room, wiping my tears, but that lump in the back of my throat remained. After a few minutes, I just felt numb inside. My brother showed up and cried louder than I did, and I haven't seen him cry ever. He's always been the one that made me cry. It felt like knives to my heart to see him crying because he never cries.

It's so hard though. I know this is just a passing phase, but I can't help but think that I won't be able to shake this feeling. I need for her to be my inspiration, and all I can think about now is her motionless body. At least I know she went peacefully in her sleep. I know I will never amount to half the human being she was.

I felt like an ass because I left the house early but I didn't want to sit around and let people see me crying. I always had a way of hiding my tears, but I couldn't hide them this time. I just said that I was going to go home and cried on the way home. I figured I could come home and make a mix in tribute to my grandma, but I couldn't think straight. But there is no song ever made that would do her any justice, so I can't do it.

One of the thoughts I had in my mind when I was staring at my grandma was that I cannot believe how stupid I was to think that I would ever think of ending my own life. The very thought of it now seems shameful. I can only wish that people live life to its fullest potential, so that when they do die they will have as many loved ones surrounding them as my grandma did tonight.

Will to Live

Sep. 6th, 2005 12:07 am
I figured I would type an entry to help me get to sleep. So if I start to sound incoherent, that is why.

Last night I went to my grandma's house for a family BBQ, and it felt a little awkward because I was the only one under the age of 50 there. None of my cousins were there, even the ones who live just a mile away. It seems that I'm the only "young" person going to these things, which made me feel sad for a few reasons.

The first reason is that I thought if a loved one was dying, you would think they would have the courtesy to just show up. I'm not saying that I'm above them, but come on. These are cousins who grew up with my grandma living a few blocks from them their entire lives. I grew up in San Jose, 400 miles away from my grandma, and yet I'm the only person who hasn't been birthed by my grandma showing up to these functions.

This is not to mention the fact that my Cantonese sucks compared to all my cousins too, because most of them were born in Hong Kong. I still manage to say a few things to my grandma, but you can be sure if I were really fluent with Cantonese, I'd be there chatting up a storm with her. So I am limited to saying things like, "How are you doing?" and "Do you need me to get you anything?"

In any case, the news isn't really so good. My mom says that she's giving my grandma 2 or 3 days more tops. She tells me that my grandma's body already wants to go but the only thing that keeps her alive is her will to live. But the doctors gave her medication to "relax her brain" so she doesn't have to suffer anymore. In the condition I saw her in last night, she must have the most will to live out of anyone I've ever met.

It made me think about all the times I lost my will to live, and why I still don't have a strong will to live. All over stupid shit too, like not having a job that I like and pays well, my weak social life which I chose for myself, being lonely, and never admitting that I want a girlfriend even though I secretly do. Because these are things I can change myself, even though I feel like I'm trapped. Maybe trapped isn't the right word, but I feel like it would take a lot of energy and effort to get out of the situation.

But I guess you can say that the things worth having in life are the ones worth trying for. I hope my grandma can be an inspiration to me, and not just another one of the famous "I need to change myself" phase that spring up once a month.

I placed a picture of myself as my icon, because I am no longer ashamed of how I look. I know I'm ugly, so deal with it. What I lack in beauty I make up in taste and sense of humor. Trust me, I'm funnier in person than on LJ, and especially this post.
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